Bill Gates Rocks

By Haiwut D’Jablomi

Special to the TBW

I won’t mince words: I’ve had it up to here with people dissing Bill Gates. Especially that jerkoff technocrat guy with all his oh-so-smug-and-clever "BugFest95"crap.

The fact is, Bill Gates rocks. Anyone who thinks he doesn’t is obviously just jealous.

Why does Mr. Gates rock? Well, let’s start by looking at the man.

Mr. Gates dropped out of Harvard. He Dropped Out Of Harvard!! That rocks.

Mr. Gates’ nickname is "Trey", because his full name is "Bill Gates III". Get it? III? Trey? It’s like, in German, with a heavy English accent, the number three is kind of pronounced "trey". That rocks!

You think Bill Gates isn’t cool? How about Michael Jordan? Is he cool? Jordan makes about $178k a day, every single day of the year. But at that rate, he would have to save every penny he made for the next 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates. Obviously, Mr. Gates doesn’t have to be cool. He simply rocks.

"Bill Gates" rhymes with "mastermates". Get it? Like, in chess? He’s the master of check mates? Now may I ask, does that rock?

In Belgium, they weave intricate conspiracies to throw cream pies at Mr. Gates. When was the last time someone conspired to throw a cream pie at you? Do you rock?

Mr. Gates bears a striking resemblance to Joey Ramone, one of the fathers of punk rock. Are you going to tell me that Joey Ramone doesn’t rock?

Mr. Gates’ new 45,000 square foot house cost $50 Million. It includes a 30 car underground garage, the most state-of-the-art theater in the world, a 60 foot long indoor pool with underwater sound system, two elevators, and an 18-hole golf course. Not only does Bill Gates rock, he rocks da howwwwwwse!

Mr. Gates knows how to treat the ladies. When he married his righteous babe wife Melinda, he rented every helicopter in the Hawaiian Islands to prevent the paparazzi from using them to photograph the ceremony from the air. Chivalry is not dead! It rocks on…with Bill Gates.

In the bible, Jesus called the disciple Paul "the rock". However, recent evidence suggests that the original Latin text was mistranslated; in fact, the name of the disciple that Jesus called "the rock" was "Trey". Would it be out of line to call this a hidden prophecy? I think not.

For the few of you who aren’t yet convinced, let’s now turn to Microsoft, Mr. Gates’ incredibly successful, but hardly monopolistic company, for even more examples of why Bill Gates rocks.

Even though it’s an integral part of the operating system, Microsoft decided to stop making vendors license Internet Explorer. Why? I’ll tell you, it certainly had nothing to do with any mamby-pamby antitrust hearing. The decision was made simply because…Microsoft rocks!

When a Windows program locks up now, it seldom crashes the system; instead, you just get the eternally spinning hourglass icon, and the task manager makes it easy to kill the offending program. Doesn’t that rock?

Microsoft forbids some ISPs from promoting Netscape on their web sites. Why? Obviously, because Netscape doesn’t rock…but Microsoft does!

Virtually every computer in the world runs Windows, or soon will. That means no matter where you go, you’ll always know how to use the computers! International rockfest!

The lyrics to Twisted Sister’s 1984 glam-metal hit "I wanna rock" were written on an early PC running MS-DOS. More evidence that Dee Snyder was a visionary genius; he knew even then what time has since proven beyond a shadow of a doubt: Microsoft rocks! Couple this with the Gates/Ramone resemblance, and I defy you to find a more rockin’ software mogul.

Microsoft has ensured that the latest release of Windows95 patched enough of the OS’s memory leaks so that you only have to reboot once or twice a day now in order to accomplish useful work. I don’t know about you, but in my book, that rocks!

Over 2,000 ex or current Microsoft employees have become millionaires due to the appreciation of their stock options. It rocks to be them!

How about that cute little paper-clip guy who offers helpful advice while you’re using PowerPoint? That little fella sure rocks!

Many MS Office applications now feature functionality that was state-of-the-art on the Macintosh just 3 or 4 years ago! Does that rock? My answer would be a resounding "yes!"

Java Schmava! ActiveX rocks!

Microsoft owns stakes in Cable Modem companies, Satellite companies, networking companies, and high-bandwidth land-line companies. No matter how you plug into the internet in the future, you’ll be dealing in some way with Microsoft! What do I call that? Surf rock!

Microsoft’s WindowsCE is already the most popular PDA operating system, and will soon be showing up in automobiles, industrial controllers, even your microwave and stereo! Proving that Microsoft literally rocks!

Need I say more? If you still don’t agree, you should probably keep it to yourself; UT MBA students are a pretty sharp bunch, and after reading this compelling list of arguments, they’re sure to realize that there’s only one way to rock, and that’s with Bill Gates.